The Ties that Bind

 This is a bit of an open wound that has not fully healed, but I figured I would try and open up and just meet some people here and there.. clear some air.. if the air needed to be cleared due to somethings that were reported to me from a miserable family member last time I was here.  

I had messaged my cousin just yesterday to say that I was in town and she immediately invited me over to her house, which I thought was very nice of her.  

Her girls, my nieces, were just 10 or 11 years old when I last saw them and now-grown young adults-teenagers 18 and 15. When I walked in my cousin and I just stared at one another because it had been so long. She was really kind and welcoming and she always was towards me. Her husband gave me a big hug and we sat and reunited. It was a bit awkward at first, but we spoke about their career, the pandemic, their work schedules, the rest of the family etc. It always feels like I am more comfortable with strangers than I am with my own family. I feel like they have this microscopic lens on everything I say or do. I try to do and say all the right things this time around, but no matter what it seems something always is misperceived about my lifestyle or the choices that I make.  

It was nice catching up with my niece who was sharing her favorite artists, her ambitions, and school stuff. It is difficult to catch up after such long periods of time. My cousin asked me what I wanted to eat and quickly I said, “I am fine. I don’t eat much at night. She insisted to order some sushi as I said that I liked salmon. It was really, really sweet of her. We sat and had sushi together. Her husband seemed a bit quiet when we were eating .They shared with me their trips to Italy and Norway and what they liked about the places. He had to go pick up my other niece as she went to a Diwali party.  

As we were talking the whole time, the firecrackers were going off like madness in the background, but they barely blinked an eye. I felt like they were trying to understand me and learn about my life.  

I guess you can’t expect much from people when you do not put much effort into staying in touch… .But that reason is a big reason and it has some layers to it. It is not just some personal decision to stay away. It was words, actions, and behaviors that lead me to feel like I did not really fit into their family dynamic. They would always have that perfect family photo just like my family from the East coast and my face was just never in it.  

She said that her husbands(names not disclosed)mother in law had passed way from cancer. It was a one year horrible experience. For some reason with my horrible memory, I could not remember his mother until I walked into the worship room and I saw her photo… She was the woman who was so kind to me. She invited me into her home and she just saw me for me. She didn’t judge or make me feel inferior. She was a really good woman and after I saw that photo I felt really upset and I felt like I need to write some card or just say something let him know how sorry I am.  

He lost his mother in law and my Auntie also passed away and where was I? I didn’t check in and I was absent from everything as usual. But I think that could have been very different had things went a better way on my last trip.  

Back to 2017, I expressed my interest to live in Bangalore and settle down. I was exploring work visas, looking for jobs, and apartments. When I think back  to that time, I can name ten Indians who were helping me and supporting me and None of them were my family. I do not know if I expect too much or if I am just way too spoiled by my friends and other families that I meet outside of my own. I wanted to live in Bangalore and start a life here, but that just did not happen. I definitely spent time with my family, but I did not actively feel like anyone wanted to assist me in settling down in Bangalore.  

 
With both sides of my family, whether Indian or American there is always this constant feeling of inferiority.  That feeling was confirmed by my cousin(granted he is a miserable person who talks negatively about everyone from our family. He said the most horrible things about all my family members so I should obviously consider the source and not listen to him, but I internalized it because that is what people who have family trauma do- they make themselves feel worse and add salt to the wound any chance they get. They analyze things they say and do when someone gives them a strange look or says something under their breath. They always smile and act kind, but they know everything they do or say will somehow be wrong  

In 2017, I did not need to hear negative things that people said or thought about me. I was the only woman in the family single and traveling alone…it takes Indians a lifetime to understand my life. People want to make assumptions about my life because I was living my life in my twenties-partying, traveling, and having fun-that is what people do in their 20s and in your 30s- you grow up, travel to India, try to establish roots and do good things. The thirty something girl with big brown. eyes and a big heart who wanted just one thing…. To live in India, serve others to the fullest, and have a family-that was really all I wanted. 

What will happen on this trip to India? Will I ever fit in with my blood relatives? Will I have my old friends, new friends, and Indian families be my "family"? Will I find a "home" in Bangalore and stay or will I go?

"You will never be completely at home again because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place."

 

To be continued....

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